my name
Sunday, November 26, 2006
prastinator is my name.....
procrastinating is simply irresistible....
though.....i'm not enjoying it....
something is in my heart.....a weight...tat goes deep inside....and makes me feel pain inside....
my heart is SICK now~~....
it needs intensive care unit to help it....
the thing that stabbed into it makes me hurt and hard to breath.......
heart is beating fast whole day.......
waiting for a hope is a question for me...eventhough i chose to believe still...but how long can i survive to keep on waiting for it?i'm afraid that i will collapsed before it could happen....
dear god,please ...please take me as an exchange for him.....let me go through it even this is hard ....but it is even more hard n suffering to look at him without knowing what i can do for him except just pray.....tell me please tell me....what do you want??!!!!!!!!!!!!what had he done to YOU??!!!!!!!please take his bitter cup away....let him be healed...if not...take me instead....i might not be as strong as him to go through this...but i really cant stand to look at him in this condition....
i'm really suffocating now....
please,grant us a christmas miracle~~
i really pray that you wake him up !!!!!!!!!!!!!
i have no more purpose in life without both of them.....i don't how to go on with it....
i have no direction.....i wont have courage to live on......
please.....please....please....
please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
updates
Mission Complete!!!!! :)
Eating!!!
my apple!!!
my pendrive *****guardian pig****
Christmas!!!!!!!
WHY
Friday, November 24, 2006
why there is so many WHY in my life?
why did all these things happened to me?
i also dunno.....
hmmp...too bad lar.....
since before my existence until now...people around mer,especially my family,also very special....everything that i had went through in my life also not easy and very special....
but i thank got that i did not spent my time to blame and grunt everyday bout my life and peoples around me....i just know to ask WHY.the biggest WHY in my life was my dad's affair...but now,the biggest WHY ever happen in my life is my grnadpa.WHY??????
i really don't know....and my grandma also....getting skinnier....not a good thing for me....'cause no longer cute and chubby....but,all i saw in her eye is just sadness,sadness, and sadness.....again,WHY???
people out there~~dont be like me always ask WHY...but learn to look in another aspect or angle and learn from it...no matter what had happened,always believe and look on the bright side....
appreciate and grab the chances you have in you to do whatever you want efore the chances slip away,or before it is too late to let the person or whatever know what's in your mind and heart!!!!
~loVe the person that your heart truly love.....
~eAt foods that you suddenly wanted to eat....
~sLEeP whenever your body feel tire or just simply because your want to sleep....
~tAlK whenever you had a chance to do so...
~SmIlE to anyone that you see even though they might not return your smile...
GUYS AND GURLS~~~~GO AHEAD AND DO WHATEVER YOU FEEL RIGHT BOUT IT!!!! ;)
!!!!DON'T EVER WASTE YOUR PRECIOUS TIME TO HATE SOMETHING OR SOMEONE THAT IS UNNECESSARY AND WORTHLESS FOR YOU TO DO SO!!!!!
:P
Thursday, November 23, 2006
uglyRANDOMpictures
today
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
21st November 2006:
Today is such a beautiful day to me....
Today is Grandpa's birthday....
Today me and sakai had sign up our life-long engagement.................................................................to the NATIONAL ORGAN DONOR ASSOCIATION :P
Today is the first time ever to celebrate birthday with grandpa in such condition....
Today is a day for remembrance....
Today i put myself unto HEAVENLY FATHER's hand to guard my life...so that when the time comes...my body parts are in a good condition to be pass on to someone who need it...
Today i stil thank HIM for looking after my grandpa...and for the blesssing to him....even though grandpa never make it to wake up for his celebration....
Everything in life has two side....so i can either choose the good side or the bad side...
But life will be wasted if i always look on the bad side...
And so do you.. :)
I still awaiting for the SUN to rise up again in our lives....and by that time....we will testify and glorify you for your great love to us...
Let us keep on lean on you.....my dearest FATHER...
blur**
Monday, November 20, 2006
The feeling of love has gone....
The desire to kiss had lost...
Whether it is still love or it is just used to have you by my side is already known n clear....
Since when it has all gone?
But why i still hunger for your hug n wanted you to be with me throughout the toughest night?
I dislike your immaturity...
I dislike you dont care 'bout ur appearance..
I dislike you dont really remember every thing that i said....
I dislike you dont understand me.....(Is it i'm not open enough to allow you to understand me?)
I dislike when there is nothing to talk between us...
I dislike when i need to keep on tell you the direction...
I dislike when you are not gentleman enough...
I dislike you to be dissupportive when i really need you to really stand by me...
I dislike when you always ask for something that i already told you that i dont want to....
I dislike when you let the love of ours gone....
I dislike when you cant let me love you more n more ....
What should be my next step????
Am i expecting too much??
Or it is just the end of our story?
will i still missing you when we had separate?
will the feeling of love rush back to me again after we separate?
how am i gonna take those risk?
It is so unfair to you.....
hope~
20th November '06:
Is 2 am and yet i stil awaking....
My grandpa is at home for 2 days already....and at the same time i also wasted my two days without putting an effort to start my revision....
Since grandpa case,only that i understand now the meaning of 'accept everyone as an individual'....If i am a perfect person,doing everything perfectly in my own eye this doesnt mean that everyone in the world should be doing things like what you are doing or do things up to your sastifactory level...it might not happen as everyone has their own level...they cannot be as smart as you are nor as dumb as you are....anyway,they stil do up to their best in everything...even there are still some imperfection..But i am actually still learning to accept this....B'cause normally people will always wanted everyone to follow their way...
I thank God for his care for grandpa....
The SUN will surely shines into his life and he rest of my family life.... :)
A surprise in life
Very long time didn't update my blog already...because something had happened to my grandpa.Year 2006 by right should be a wonderful year for me....'cuz at first everything good had gifted to me from God.For instance,i got a good result in A-lvl(not bad la for me),then i stepped into a world which is not my choice-------PHARMACY...but it will be my stepping stone for my goal in the future....I knew i did not put my effort in suceeding it...but i really made up my mind during my time in Germany that i really will appreciate this opportunity for mi to learn for things...plus,this semester the fees is by me n my grandpa because of my dad's business is in down period....but who knows not everyting i planned in life will happen as it is...just like my grandpa case...Then another thing was i finally reunion with my long-lost mum n brother....is just like a surprise gift for me....God had finally answer my prayers after all these years....
But then,who knows that the year 2006 turns into a nightmare in my life so sudden.....On 2nd Oct 2006,i said goodbye to my grandpa after he sent me to college...when i tried to called back wanna ask grandma to cook more for dinner cz albino,sakai n bubble wanna come over to do the decoration thingy for senior's farewell...who knows on the other side of the phone,grandma was crying n telling me that she cant cook cz gpa was being sent to hospital cz he fell down from the stair while trying to fix the ceiling in my house's carpark area....i was so shocked....i just went blanked n luckily rach got drove to cll ...so i asked her to sent me home...all i could do was just pray to God while on my way home....all these happened too fast....tooo fast....that i couldn't accept it....then Alvan n i rush to the hospital.. tears was rolling out uncontrollable....i ran all the way to the emergency area asking for my grandpa location....when i saw my grandpa...he coud nt open his eye...but he just can move oni....i really burst....then the doctor sent him to radiology department to do CT-scan for him...i saw him vomit blood from his mouth....all these images still fresh in my mind til today...i still remember every single thing that i saw ....the surgeon told us that cant wait anymore,he nid to do the operation rightaway to remove his blood clot.the success percentage is just 50%-50%..'he suffered from severe head injury on admission,gcs is 7/15....left frontal contusion....left frontal sdh....hematoma.....midline shift....distance of the blood clot 2.4 cm,etc'....al these words that i read from the report still in my mind....after more than 2hours in OT,the operation finally had finish...i thank god!...then he is sent to neuro icu room....stay there for 2 weeks....nvr giving up to pray for him....nvr give up to trust in god....n God is so good to grandpa n me..he sent peoples from other church that we dunno to pray for grandpa n my family...n to guide mi to pray also....i really gratefull for all these....thank god that although my family stil not believer of god....but he stil love them so much....grandpa really shows some improvement bit by bit day by day although doctors stil tolds us that he is recovering very very slow...some also told mi that he might become vegetative bcz he has a severe brain injury n also take into account of his age factor....but i refuse to trust in them...because i knoe that nothing is impossible in God...HE knows grandpa more than anyone...i want to believe in HIM for his healing hands to touch my grandpa....
All the days that i spent in hospital,i had learn lotsa of things.....felt like i grown older by 10 years suddenly...i saw things that many of u guys might not seen....i experience things that you guys might not have the chance to experience...etc...is true...and the most important thing of all is i drew myself closer to God....n i also nvr know that i can trust someone like tat....i learned n understand the meaning of 'appreciate' n 'grateful'....i think one day 24hours is not enough to give praise to the lord....i thank god that i stil can breath by my own....i thank god that i am safe in his arm...i thank god that i can cough out phlegm by myself...i thank god that i can think,intepret n decide things by myself....i also thank god that i can open up my eye to see things in the world...i thank god for every single thing in my body that works healthily...a lot more~~~i say like this is because i saw those that unable to do all these 'simple' things that u guys tink...is a gift to us that we should appreciate...although it is simple...n of course u wil think that av single living organism can breath...but u will aprreciate it n be grateful that u actually can breath by ur own after u experience period that u cant do this before....just wanna say that appreciate everything that u had now,frens,family,enemies etc....even though u hate ur enemies...but actually they also let u see n learn something from their bad attitude....as a lesson for urself....life can actually be very fragile when u dun even had the chance to notice it...
after class re-start,i try to adjust my emotion etc...i try to be happy again....cz i think that i should not be so sadn worry...because GOD is with grandpa...i just can do wutever i can...n pray for him...every single corner in my house full with grandpa's shadow....everyting thing that i did in my daily life will makes me think bout grandpa...his teaching etc...he really is a superman in our life....he knew everythings bout electrical thingy,carpenter thingy....furniture...cooking....fabric....music...etc...he has got all the talent that not everyone can have...although he dun hv much chances to study during his time...but he nvr give up to upgrade himself....he keep n asking question etc...even though sometimes i feel very fan when he always ask....but he still ask...he really is a special person...he would be a genius if he were to be born to this world now..i alwasy say that if i am a scientist i wil clone him n my grandma....they are so awesome!!!
anyway,grandpa is going to be discharge in the morning...he wil be sent home ....n i still trust in GOD that he will let my grandpa wake up n by that time my grandpa will praise his work n glorify HIM....cz i know that GOD will nvr ever let his work to be done halfway....n i should not cease to trust in him..... :)
